Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Sun Oct 23, 2005 at 11:19:48 pm EDT
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Strong Suit, Part Three
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Strong Suit: Part Three


The special phone rang, letting its owner know he was about to be on the clock, “Yes?”

“We need you to capture the Legion’s AI.”

The big man blinked and scratched the back of his neck, “With what? It’s a hologram, right?”

“Not anymore: the HALLIE program is now operating out of some kind of android body. Intel reports the target is escorting a civilian female in the Central Business District. We need you to initiate a snatch and grab operation. We’re sending the coordinates and the known capabilities of the robot to your handlers. You’ve got five minutes before the briefing, and then be ready to go.”

“Yes, sir.”

“It is of the utmost importance you succeed here: the AI is evidence in an ongoing investigation into the Lair Legion’s activities regarding the incident with Hacker 9.”

The man frowned as pulled on his Kevlar body armor. Several of his former squad mates had been onboard the SPUD Helicarrier when Zelnitz seized control of it. If taking apart some machine was going to help prove the little punk was indeed involved, then he was more than willing to do so, “I’m on my way.”

Major Viktor Deredondo tucked the top-knotted helmet of Killer Shrike under his arm and left for his briefing.

*****



A pair of unique young woman burst from the revolving door at the front of Wooster’s onto the bustling streets of Paradopolis. Both were laden down with packages bearing the Department Store’s name, though the green-skinned female was carrying more than her share of items.

“OK, that was fun,” Hallie admitted to the lissome brunette who strolled beside her, “and nowhere near as hectic as I expected.”

Sarah Shepherdson giggled, “Our fellow shoppers did give you a wide berth. Maybe they saw your skin and thought you were radioactive.”

The smile disappeared from Hallie’s newly mechanical face, “Do you think I should have disguised my features? I could have, you know: I can control my HEDS remotely from this body.”

“Relax, Hallie: I was just kidding,” Sarah assured the now fretful woman, “You had to: otherwise we couldn’t have gotten outfits that matched your complexion. That cocktail dress with the dragon print? Killer on you.”

Hallie’s humor returned, “It was, wasn't it?” she admitted grudgingly, “Who would have thought green and purple would go together so well?”

“Shep?” a burly man pushing a vending cart called to the young woman. Sarah waved back.

“Mister Frias! How are you? How is Margarita?”

“I am good. Margarita is very good. She is still in the GED, thanks to your, ah, pep talk?”

Hallie watched as Sarah and Mister Frias got caught up on each other’s current events. It had been the fourth scene like this since their shopping excursion began: the waitress seemed to have no shortages of acquaintances. And each separate encounter displayed a sincere enthusiasm and concern from both parties about the other that Hallie admired. Even those who might normally be hesitant interacting with an emerald skinned woman carrying her own weight in shopping bags (or so it appeared) showed no discomfort when Sarah made introductions. This encounter ended with Mr. Frias promising to bring pictures of his grandson to the Bean and Donut for Sarah to see and the ladies buying a late afternoon snack from the vendor.

“I’m going to pretend this is a tofu dog, and the chili is vegetarian,” Sarah vowed as the two walked in search of a cab.

Hallie deftly manipulated the packages she carried so she could take a bite of her own sandwich, “Delicious. Dominic always called chili cheese dogs ‘nature’s perfect food,’ and Mr. Frias is proving him right.”

“Really? Who’s Dominic?”

Hallie paused. It was easy to forget that the peppy young waitress was not part of the inner circle of the Lair Legion that was aware of the group’s dealings, “He’s an old friend.”

“Was he cute?” Sarah asked between bites.

“He had a certain ruggedness that was appealing,” hoping to benefit from the opinion of an impartial observer, Hallie decided to take a chance, “I heard from Dominic recently. And I’m thinking, well, you see, before, he did some things that were a little… devious, to me and to others, but now its pretty clear that he’s a changed man, and he acts interested, so I’m thinking of maybe trying to uh, spend more time with him. Socially.”

“Oh. Was he part of the Baron’s crowd?” Sarah asked with seeming naiveté.

“What?! Ah, no. I knew Dominic, er, post-Minion,” Hallie took an unnecessary breath, “So, what do you think? Would you, ahm, socialize with a person who hurt you before, even if the circumstances are totally different now, but there is always a chance he could betray you, or others, again?”

Sarah reflected a moment, “It must be a hard situation for you,” she observed.

“Yes,” and I gave you the abridged version, Hallie thought to herself. Referencing stolen blood, hearts of darkness, improbably fake men and their possible progeny with former alien sex slaves would have driven the woman to bewilderment.

Shep wanted desperately to be wise now, “Well… I’m a believer in second chances. I hope this Dominic person does turn out to be a new man, for his sake, and yours, but you want to make sure you don’t put yourself in a situation where you relive old mistakes with him. Which sounds like advice, but really all I’ve done is summarize your predicament,” she sighed, “Sorry.”

“It’s all right. Really, it’s something I have to figure out for myself.”

Sarah raised her hand to flag down a taxi, one that was, predictably, driven by another of her many associates. Hakim helped the women put their purchases in the trunk and apologized when the springs in the seat Hallie collapsed her titanium-latticed frame in proved surprisingly noisome under her weight.

Hakim got behind the wheel and checked his mirrors before pulling out into the late afternoon traffic. He drove about three blocks before the supervillain attacked them.

Killer Shrike landed on the rear of the cab with enough inertia to crumple the back of the car and shatter its real axle. Viktor managed to keep his balance as the vehicle swerved onto the sidewalk and crashed into an oversized concrete trash bin. The Army Ranger winced a bit at the sounds of impact: he had tried to time his ambush so that the cab was decelerating to reduce the chance of injury, even if the civilian his target had been “escorting” was in fact that annoying waitress who closed down his cover as a coffeehouse owner (not that it cost him anything other than some credibility with the higher-ups).

Viktor took hold of the roof of the taxi and with a shrug ripped it clean away. Then he reached down to subdue HALLIE. He was taken aback to see the waitress glaring up at him.

“You’re not KS,” Sarah Shepherdson announced sternly.

It was a distracting proclamation- how did she know?- but the ex-paratrooper recovered in enough time to place the EMP projector on the android’s forehead and pressed to activate it.

Improbably, the device failed.

Hallie threw a punch, striking Shrike in his armored midsection. When he doubled over she reached up and grabbed his topknot. Moments later the Butcher Bird was sent hurtling into the storefront before them.

“Get Hakim to safety,” Hallie growled as she vaulted from her seat in pursuit of her attacker.

This time Viktor was ready. He sidestepped the AI’s next punch and slashed it with his talons. A huge chunk of the robot’s arm fell away, exposing layers of fake muscle and circuitry.

Hallie was surprised that the wound did not result in any pain. She struck again, but Shrike blocked the punch expertly with his forearms. The man was strong, maybe as strong as she was and knew how to fight.

It was then Hallie realized she knew how to fight too, if she accessed the right program.

It took less than a second for her to download the entire tae kwon do catalog and imprint it on her own operating systems. Now she had the savvy to stop her foe’s next blow herself and counter with a perfect spin kick to his thigh.

“Who sent you?!” she demanded as she kept up the pressure on the staggering Shrike, “Ulz Hagan? The Baroness? Exemplary?” Each question was punctuated by another quick, potent strike.

Killer Shrike charged up his shock gauntlets, “You’ll find out soon enough!”

Hallie grabbed his wrists and let the electrical energy surge into her, through her. It didn’t take long for her to drain the charge into herself. Her internal sensors reported he was now operating at 99.68% peak capacity.

It was time to see what KS’s capacity was.

Hallie’s punches hit like a jackhammer. She knocked him back out onto the street, and to the ground.

“No, I think you’ll tell us,” she corrected as she lifted the remains of Hakim’s cab and dashed it down onto the Avian Assassin.

Again Hallie felt it: the euphoria that accompanied extreme strenuous activity. Phantom adrenaline rush, perhaps? Hallie shook off her pointless reflection. The source didn’t matter. She had won, and won easily. The computerized sentience was becoming aware that she could handle anything anyone threw at her.

Sarah Shepherdson seemed to concur, “Wow,” she breathed, “We’re going to have to head back to Wooster’s and see if they have Wonder Woman’s department.”

Hallie chuckled and lifted the twisted hulk of metal off of Killer Shrike.

Killer Shrike wasn’t there.

“Aw, phooey. I wanted to see who was really behind the mask,” the incognito Probability Dancer moped.

Hallie nodded, but strangely, wasn’t as upset as her friend about the villain’s escape.

“Hazard of the profession,” she mused aloud, “We’ll get Al B to design something to track him… in fact, let’s go see Al now. At the EEE firehouse. Let’s see the whole gang.”

It was time to get fixed up. And caught up, Hallie decided.




Next: We go back to Herringcarp, and watch Visionary relate to an incredibly intense admirer who’s not a clone and get hassled by a whip-wielding sadist who’s not a lawyer. Meanwhile, Mr. Epitome crosses paths with… the Hooded Hood. Sort of. Out whenever we get a quorum.

Footnotes:

Killer Shrike II: Major Viktor Deredondo is an agent of SPAM, or Special Protocols Against Metahumans, a covert government agency whose name says it all. He is supposed to be impersonating the dead villain as part of a larger plan to secretly infiltrate the Parodyverse’s villain population. Here Killer Shrike is being used to capture Hallie for the US government, who see the AI as evidence that the Lair Legion covered for Hacker 9 when he went on his rampage circa Untold Tales #228

Viktor has encountered Sarah Shepherdson in the past, when she used her wit and wiles to close down a St@rbucks opposite the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar. Shep’s comment that Viktor is “not KS” is due to the fact that the original Shrike was under a curse that made it impossible for him to harm her. The explanation for his mysterious escape at the end of the story will have to wait for another day.


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